This Was Your Life

It seems fitting to begin with the very first tract Jack Chick ever drew. It’s inspiring to see his decent into madness was already well into it’s free fall by time he picked up a pen.

This Was Your Life sets the standard for every other tract made. Ever. Someone sins, dies, finds out they’re fucked, goes to hell. Sometimes Jesus shows up and tells us not to be such fucking ass holes but it doesn’t matter. God’s almighty almightiness is ready to damn your ass in a heartbeat.

The use of “was” in the title might be one of the finest examples of foreshadowing that I’m not going to even give examples to. That white box with the title, that’s like a drive-in movie theater. You’ll find out all about that later. For now, check out Jack’s initials down at the bottom. The T in J.T.C. stands for Thomas, which is my name. So that’s awesome, in a horrible way.

That roadster is pretty fucking rad. I think that’s a Chevy Corvette Stingray. Hot damn those are sweet, but you know what? Luke 12:19 is fucking rad too. If it wasn’t in old badly translated Aramaic it might read something like this. “So I says to my soul, I says, dude your government refund check came in and they didn’t fuck you up the ass too badly, sit down, have some dinner, a Knob Creek Bourbon and be glad you’re not dead yet.”

I have a doctorate in translation.

But then God is all like “FUCK YOU!” Fucking kill you!” Luke 12:20. The Bible is notorious for going from good to bad in as few as 1 verse. Jack Chick decided to use the old “skeleton grim reaper in a black hooded cloak that kills with but a touch” as made famous by Family Guy. Jack understood that future pop culture references were more important than any deeply rooted Christian mythos of an agent of death. Also I looked for any Christian mythos of agents of death and found none.

The second panel found our nameless hero falling over dead while a different Bible verse was telling us something. I guess we die only once. And it’s appointed. Also we face judgment after death. This really makes things only harder for us.

Now we’re treated to a funeral as from the perspective of an x-ray vision gopher with his head only half way out of his burrow. While he can clearly see the minister thinks our hero was a good man the ever present and ever changing Bible quotes lay warning that he’s an unclean thing and he owned a lot of dirty rags. This confuses the gopher and we never seen from him again.

Lucky for our hero judgment isn’t required until after his funeral. At which someone screams at him. Our hero is fast to realize he’s dead as to his coffin, grave site, and deadness. There are two kinds of resurrections at this point, Life and Damnation. Unless you were killed south of Kentucky in which there is also the resurrection of Tarnation. This is the same as damnation only the ride there is a lot less fun and wholesome.

Our hero, upon seeing an angel for the first time, informs him that Heaven and Hell are back on earth and that he’s always said that and therefore is like, really true. The angel dismisses our hero’s death related grievance and presses upon him that he has an appointment. Our hero, not one for liking appointments with more than two people, asks if there will be more than the minimum number of people required for this appointment. While our hero’s reluctance and perhaps even chronic fear of multiple person appointment may never be known, the angle is quick to reinforce his fear by not only confirming there will be more than the minimum number of people there, but “quite a number!”

To a guy who just died and has an appointment this angel is a real dick.

Do you see this panel? This is the single greatest picture Jack Chick ever drew. It’s so god damn metal! As for the story, apparently they’ve arrived at place of the appointment and our hero flat out refuses to believe it.

Our hero is getting scared. He tires to convince the terrifying 12 foot angel he’s been good. The angel informs him that everything has been recorded. This would imply the angel doesn’t have faith in our hero’s goodness and requires proof. Fucking double standard angels!

HOLY SHIT GOD’S HUGE!

God demands a life review. The angel agrees to this review of life and soon God’s throne steps transform into the now dead classic American drive-in. See I told you the cover would make sense eventually.

This panel would suggest that this is the first scene of our hero’s life. Which would in turn suggest God thinks life starts sometime around 18 months. Because of this notion Jack Chick has set back the pro-life movement 120 years. An ironic twist in what is perhaps the most un-ironic life ever lived.

Our hero was going to fancy us all with what was, at that time in his life, the “dirtiest story he’s ever heard”. Before we could peer into the mind of Jack Chick to see what he considers a dirty story, current hero interprets film of past hero. Leave it to the MST3K guys you fucking prick. People are trying to watch the movie!

Our hero considers the blond woman’s butt to be “nice”. While he of course remembers that incident he recalls that no one saw him lusting in the safety of an alley. Matthew 5:28 then reminds us that every genetic reproduction impulse is a sin and we’re very bad because of it. Fuck you Matthew, you be more like Luke!

It turns out our hero was in fact a bad person in the trivial sense and he wonders why no one warned him of these minor sins against God.

Lucky for our hero he went to church so chances are he knows the answer. But the one time the pastor ever tells people how to be saved happened to also be the day the Seattle Seahawks were getting their asses kicked by Green Bay. Because of this important game our hero couldn’t care less and just wanted to know the time. It would later come to be known as the game “He really wished he cared less about and also what the fuck, how the fuck do you blow that lead you fucking bastards!”

The stress of going to church makes our hero go insane and he leaves. Later our hero in fact does make note that he probable was insane.

Our hero seems genuinely sorry for the bad things he’s done. He’s admitted guilt and seem like he’s already set for a new path. One of good Christian worship.

GAH! Stop being all faceless creepy giant God! Be normal God with the beard from Star Trek V!

Our Hero forgot to get reservations.

God is royally pissed about this and require a time out for our newly reformed hero.

This time out however will last forever and apparently is akin to being burned.

Like always. Always on fire.

Forever.

Our hero is pushed into the lake of fire. Some might consider this punishment extreme. However the only thing more terrifying than being burned for an eternity (That’s more than 16 trillion years) is knowing there are people out there who DON’T think it’s extreme. It’s a perfectly justified end to someone.

Oh good, it’s one of those whatch’a call em. Hypothetical stories.

OUR HERO IS PRAYING! ROCK ON!

Hitler in the center there wanted to point out to Harry Truman that our hero is not only one of the best workers, but as surprising as it seems, he’s a fine Christian. This shocking revelation eventually leads to the Holocaust and the bombing of Japan.

Death comes back around but this time our Hero, having trained in Christian jujitsu, sees the attack coming and warns God he’s coming.

God is pleased and bears no ill will towards him.

CONCLUSION:

I HATE JACK CHICK AND WANT HIM DEAD.