Chick Tracts Will Kill You: The Letter

The next tract is one of my favorites. It’s the story of an insane woman’s dream. I’ve always said the road to eternal salvation lies in showcasing crazy fictional dreams. That’s how Buddha converted people over to his wonderfully kooky religion.

Don’t judge a tract by its cover. Don’t do it. You already did, didn’t you? Well damn it, now everything is ruined.

Now I’ve never seen anyone in real life actually try to give someone a tract so I’m not sure how accurate this conversation is. But like all of Jack’s tracts I know it has to be true. Look how calm and reasonable tract believing Christian man is. He’s concern for every fucking soul on earth has obviously taken years off his once beautiful face. But our crazy hero will have none of this. She resents him with only the fury a women can know.

Woah wait, our hero is already a Christian? Jack Chick is like the J.J. Abrams of 1960s Christian propaganda. He will fuck with your head without giving it a second thought. Now we see two Christians locked into a battle of wits! This is epic seeing as how a legitimate argument between two Christians has only happen twice before in the history of ever. GO CRAZY WOMEN HERO!

It is sin to lust after this panel. It is a sin to lust after this panel. It is a sin to lust after this panel.

Sorry I couldn’t really talk about that last page without seriously putting your eternal soul in danger. However the premise was that our crazy woman hero went to bed and dreamed of hell. Now then, THIS page doesn’t really make sense to me personally.

I know I don’t understand hell as much as Jack Chick but how do you write a letter in hell? Wouldn’t the paper burn? The ink boil? The hand that’s trying to write it be burning in eternal flame and suffer severe penmanship flaws? Again, I don’t know but I trust Jack does. Also there’s a messenger service in hell. What the crap Jack?

Ok try to follow this. We’re looking at an artist rendition of a fictional dream of “sights never dreamed of those living above.” This could only mean one thing. Jack Chick has been to hell and back. This is the only possible way this panel could have possible come into existence.

Also Jack uses the British spelling of Sulfur. Must be one of the habits he picked up in Hell. It’s kind of annoying.

Hell reminds me of the Lewis and Clark Caverns, only with more messenger services.

NO! THAT WAY!

After traveling the depths of hell together the veteran carrier understands when the job becomes too dangerous. Just look at that house. Fucking get killed in there.

Crazy woman hero is talking to her pastor. It seems she donated a gift to her church and it was awesome enough for the pastor himself to call and thank her. Crazy woman hero dismisses the thank you and informs him it was just her Christian duty.

Crazy woman hero is awakened by someone screaming her name and farting.

Crazy woman hero is contacted. It is a good thing.

Fucking go away dog.

Now remember this was before the internet was invented and we didn’t have instant messenger service of the damned. It would be another 30 years before AIM found it’s niche.

Tranquillizer? Crazy woman hero you don’t need tranquillizer, you just need to pray. God is your tranquillizer.

Oh hey, a letter.

Man people in hell are always quick to point out that it’s someone else fault they're there. Also they fucking have to rhyme every damn thing.

Seriously, I was having problems with logistics of writing a regular letter. How the crap do you have the focus of mind to write a fucking POEM in hell? A terrible one at that.