Thursday, May 8, 2008

The Assignment

This tract is a wonderful, rare, look into the unseen world of angels and demons and the games they play with our souls. It’s unapologetic and just ready to scare the ever living shit out of you. Once you realize the voices in your head are in fact demon hell spawn, you’ll embrace Jesus faster than he embraced wine.

The Assignment is a series of blue circles behind the “men’s bathroom” guy. It should be noted that if you ever presented this tract to someone and they didn’t accept Jesus, you could always spin it around really fast until they believed they were the “men’s bathroom” guy.

This is an automatic free pass into Heaven as far as God is concerned.

In Heaven things are not really planed out too far in advance. In the case of Charles Bishop, his three guardian angels find out about his terrible death roughly 17 days before hand. They realized they’ve just fucked up bit time and now need to rush things. As any ordained minister will tell you, a rushed salvation almost always needs to be re-salvated a month or so later.

The angels need to find some human to do their dirty salvating. Tim is useless and bald. But lucky for the angels there is always jail bait Christian girls than can be used.

Also, fuck you angels for having flat screen TV technology back in the whenever the fuck this was written.

Preparations and precautions predetermine practical purity pussycats!

Ah shit the demons are after him too. And the word is out. And the word was with God and the word was God. And the word is that Bishop is gonna die.

Jack Chick must have really hated this Tim guy to be bashing him so unrelentingly. I mean aside from the name calling he’s going to have demons go to work on his wife? Good job Ethel, you married Jack Chick’s most sworn and hated enemy.

Oh Cathy Hillman, trouble you are for the demons of the night. Why must you know the word and so forth? Grow some balls demons. Go kill her pets and rape her teddy bears. She’s 16, stop putting up with this!

Tim proves his worthlessness by convincing himself that giving Charles a little tract will grant him eternal life. HE’S A BIG BOSS! HE NEEDS A BIG TRACT!

You know that shame you felt every time you masturbated when you were younger? It was because an angel was whispering in your ear. And it knew.

It knew.

Well doesn’t that just sum up every horror I ever had about anything.

Sometimes Jack likes to stress certain points in sentences. In these cases he uses bold text for a word or two. Then if he needs another he uses it again. Then he uses A TOTALLY DIFFERENT FONT! Followed by underline italics! Then ITALIC BOLD! Then just REGULAR ITALICS!

It makes it easier to read.

Charles has not taken a workplace sensitivity training class in a really long time. Last I checked your boss wasn’t allowed to walk up and check to see what kind of religious ceremonies you may or may not have been performing over your chicken fried steak and crunchy green beans. It doesn’t matter though, after Tim thanked God for his delicious lunch that his wife didn’t poison, he quickly renounced him.


Oh Buz you are super swell. And handsome! And you got a demon influencing your decisions. Just like every man on earth.

If by demon I meant penis. And by decisions I meant sex. And by handsome I meant reach around.

Two censored swear words on the same f**king page? Holy F**CKING SH** C***!

I mean @!!!*!

Ah the struggle between good and evil is waged not in the heavens above or the depths below. The forces of light face off against the darkness in every soul of man. There within, the balance of all things great and significant is won or lost. For maybe it is not that man worships his creator or denounces him. Maybe it is only that existence is a force so powerful, all eternity desires to claim it.


Demonic forces use A1 insurance... to insure your soul ends up in hell!

I don’t care how powerful they are. If someone asks me what I’m doing today and an angel tells me to go wash my hair, I’m going to tell him I plan on fucking the pope and burring plastic bottles at the south pole.

If this was 24, Kiefer Sutherland would have concerns over the direction the writing staff was taking the show.

Jack Chick is a terrible artist.

Jack Chick is so bad at drawing; he used MS Paint 25 years before it existed.

Seriously Cathy, don’t stop. Don’t stop Cathy, don’t stop!

Oh fuck you angel! Using the elderly like that. Damn her and her arthritis from 1932.

After reading him the entire Bible (Only a crazy person would accept a religion without reading its holy book in its entirety), Cathy has convinced good old Charles Bishop, who here by just become our hero for the tract, to accept Jesus!

Right after he thinks about it tonight.

Oh @!!!* me.

CONCLUSION: Angels suck at their jobs.

Till next Friday.

Friday, May 2, 2008

The Letter

The next tract is one of my favorites. It’s the story of an insane woman’s dream. I’ve always said the road to eternal salvation lies in showcasing crazy fictional dreams. That’s how Buddha converted people over to his wonderfully kooky religion.

Don’t judge a tract by its cover. Don’t do it. You already did, didn’t you? Well damn it, now everything is ruined.

Now I’ve never seen anyone in real life actually try to give someone a tract so I’m not sure how accurate this conversation is. But like all of Jack’s tracts I know it has to be true. Look how calm and reasonable tract believing Christian man is. He’s concern for every fucking soul on earth has obviously taken years off his once beautiful face. But our crazy hero will have none of this. She resents him with only the fury a women can know.

Woah wait, our hero is already a Christian? Jack Chick is like the J.J. Abrams of 1960s Christian propaganda. He will fuck with your head without giving it a second thought. Now we see two Christians locked into a battle of wits! This is epic seeing as how a legitimate argument between two Christians has only happen twice before in the history of ever. GO CRAZY WOMEN HERO!

It is sin to lust after this panel. It is a sin to lust after this panel. It is a sin to lust after this panel.

Sorry I couldn’t really talk about that last page without seriously putting your eternal soul in danger. However the premise was that our crazy woman hero went to bed and dreamed of hell. Now then, THIS page doesn’t really make sense to me personally.

I know I don’t understand hell as much as Jack Chick but how do you write a letter in hell? Wouldn’t the paper burn? The ink boil? The hand that’s trying to write it be burning in eternal flame and suffer severe penmanship flaws? Again, I don’t know but I trust Jack does. Also there’s a messenger service in hell. What the crap Jack?

Ok try to follow this. We’re looking at an artist rendition of a fictional dream of “sights never dreamed of those living above.” This could only mean one thing. Jack Chick has been to hell and back. This is the only possible way this panel could have possible come into existence.

Also Jack uses the British spelling of Sulfur. Must be one of the habits he picked up in Hell. It’s kind of annoying.

Hell reminds me of the Lewis and Clark Caverns, only with more messenger services.


After traveling the depths of hell together the veteran carrier understands when the job becomes too dangerous. Just look at that house. Fucking get killed in there.

Crazy woman hero is talking to her pastor. It seems she donated a gift to her church and it was awesome enough for the pastor himself to call and thank her. Crazy woman hero dismisses the thank you and informs him it was just her Christian duty.

Crazy woman hero is awakened by someone screaming her name and farting.

Crazy woman hero is contacted. It is a good thing.

Fucking go away dog.

Now remember this was before the internet was invented and we didn’t have instant messenger service of the damned. It would be another 30 years before AIM found it’s niche.

Tranquillizer? Crazy woman hero you don’t need tranquillizer, you just need to pray. God is your tranquillizer.

Oh hey, a letter.

Man people in hell are always quick to point out that it’s someone else fault they're there. Also they fucking have to rhyme every damn thing.

Seriously, I was having problems with logistics of writing a regular letter. How the crap do you have the focus of mind to write a fucking POEM in hell? A terrible one at that.

BFFs are void in hell!


Frances ripped off her letter from a poem from D.J. Higgins. That’s just the kind of shit that lands a person in hell in the first place.

Crazy woman hero woke up wet. Naughty.

If you ever want to find some badass lyrics for a death metal band, read Revelations. That shit is hardcore.

Jesus on the cross… get used to seeing that.


You just got served, BY GOD!

CONCLUSION: Paper is flame retardant in hell.

See you next Friday.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

This Was Your Life

It seems fitting to begin with the very first tract Jack Chick ever drew. It’s inspiring to see his decent into madness was already well into it’s free fall by time he picked up a pen.

This Was Your Life sets the standard for every other tract made. Ever. Someone sins, dies, finds out they’re fucked, goes to hell. Sometimes Jesus shows up and tells us not to be such fucking ass holes but it doesn’t matter. God’s almighty almightiness is ready to damn your ass in a heartbeat.

The use of “was” in the title might be one of the finest examples of foreshadowing that I’m not going to even give examples to. That white box with the title, that’s like a drive-in movie theater. You’ll find out all about that later. For now, check out Jack’s initials down at the bottom. The T in J.T.C. stands for Thomas, which is my name. So that’s awesome, in a horrible way.

That roadster is pretty fucking rad. I think that’s a Chevy Corvette Stingray. Hot damn those are sweet, but you know what? Luke 12:19 is fucking rad too. If it wasn’t in old badly translated Aramaic it might read something like this. “So I says to my soul, I says, dude your government refund check came in and they didn’t fuck you up the ass too badly, sit down, have some dinner, a Knob Creek Bourbon and be glad you’re not dead yet.”

I have a doctorate in translation.

But then God is all like “FUCK YOU!” Fucking kill you!” Luke 12:20. The Bible is notorious for going from good to bad in as few as 1 verse. Jack Chick decided to use the old “skeleton grim reaper in a black hooded cloak that kills with but a touch” as made famous by Family Guy. Jack understood that future pop culture references were more important than any deeply rooted Christian mythos of an agent of death. Also I looked for any Christian mythos of agents of death and found none.

The second panel found our nameless hero falling over dead while a different Bible verse was telling us something. I guess we die only once. And it’s appointed. Also we face judgment after death. This really makes things only harder for us.

Now we’re treated to a funeral as from the perspective of an x-ray vision gopher with his head only half way out of his burrow. While he can clearly see the minister thinks our hero was a good man the ever present and ever changing Bible quotes lay warning that he’s an unclean thing and he owned a lot of dirty rags. This confuses the gopher and we never seen from him again.

Lucky for our hero judgment isn’t required until after his funeral. At which someone screams at him. Our hero is fast to realize he’s dead as to his coffin, grave site, and deadness. There are two kinds of resurrections at this point, Life and Damnation. Unless you were killed south of Kentucky in which there is also the resurrection of Tarnation. This is the same as damnation only the ride there is a lot less fun and wholesome.

Our hero, upon seeing an angel for the first time, informs him that Heaven and Hell are back on earth and that he’s always said that and therefore is like, really true. The angel dismisses our hero’s death related grievance and presses upon him that he has an appointment. Our hero, not one for liking appointments with more than two people, asks if there will be more than the minimum number of people required for this appointment. While our hero’s reluctance and perhaps even chronic fear of multiple person appointment may never be known, the angle is quick to reinforce his fear by not only confirming there will be more than the minimum number of people there, but “quite a number!”

To a guy who just died and has an appointment this angel is a real dick.

Do you see this panel? This is the single greatest picture Jack Chick ever drew. It’s so god damn metal! As for the story, apparently they’ve arrived at place of the appointment and our hero flat out refuses to believe it.

Our hero is getting scared. He tires to convince the terrifying 12 foot angel he’s been good. The angel informs him that everything has been recorded. This would imply the angel doesn’t have faith in our hero’s goodness and requires proof. Fucking double standard angels!


God demands a life review. The angel agrees to this review of life and soon God’s throne steps transform into the now dead classic American drive-in. See I told you the cover would make sense eventually.

This panel would suggest that this is the first scene of our hero’s life. Which would in turn suggest God thinks life starts sometime around 18 months. Because of this notion Jack Chick has set back the pro-life movement 120 years. An ironic twist in what is perhaps the most un-ironic life ever lived.

Our hero was going to fancy us all with what was, at that time in his life, the “dirtiest story he’s ever heard”. Before we could peer into the mind of Jack Chick to see what he considers a dirty story, current hero interprets film of past hero. Leave it to the MST3K guys you fucking prick. People are trying to watch the movie!

Our hero considers the blond woman’s butt to be “nice”. While he of course remembers that incident he recalls that no one saw him lusting in the safety of an alley. Matthew 5:28 then reminds us that every genetic reproduction impulse is a sin and we’re very bad because of it. Fuck you Matthew, you be more like Luke!

It turns out our hero was in fact a bad person in the trivial sense and he wonders why no one warned him of these minor sins against God.

Lucky for our hero he went to church so chances are he knows the answer. But the one time the pastor ever tells people how to be saved happened to also be the day the Seattle Seahawks were getting their asses kicked by Green Bay. Because of this important game our hero couldn’t care less and just wanted to know the time. It would later come to be known as the game “He really wished he cared less about and also what the fuck, how the fuck do you blow that lead you fucking bastards!”

The stress of going to church makes our hero go insane and he leaves. Later our hero in fact does make note that he probable was insane.

Our hero seems genuinely sorry for the bad things he’s done. He’s admitted guilt and seem like he’s already set for a new path. One of good Christian worship.

GAH! Stop being all faceless creepy giant God! Be normal God with the beard from Star Trek V!

Our Hero forgot to get reservations.

God is royally pissed about this and require a time out for our newly reformed hero.

This time out however will last forever and apparently is akin to being burned.

Like always. Always on fire.


Our hero is pushed into the lake of fire. Some might consider this punishment extreme. However the only thing more terrifying than being burned for an eternity (That’s more than 16 trillion years) is knowing there are people out there who DON’T think it’s extreme. It’s a perfectly justified end to someone.

Oh good, it’s one of those whatch’a call em. Hypothetical stories.


Hitler in the center there wanted to point out to Harry Truman that our hero is not only one of the best workers, but as surprising as it seems, he’s a fine Christian. This shocking revelation eventually leads to the Holocaust and the bombing of Japan.

Death comes back around but this time our Hero, having trained in Christian jujitsu, sees the attack coming and warns God he’s coming.

God is pleased and bears no ill will towards him.